It has been really gorgeous here in the Pacific Northwest of late. The other day I was out on a walk with Hazel, and I found myself on a street in our neighborhood I haven't seen before. It was late afternoon, that time of magic brilliant light. As I looked at the beautiful gardens across the street beneath a blue sky and warm sun, I imagined how I would be feeling if I were seeing them in a different place on vacation. I'd be strolling along, in that imagined case, feeling carefree and open to all the beauty around me, looking for pleasure. I decided I wanted to pretend to be on vacation, to see if I could cultivate something of that feeling right then and there, inspired by my surroundings. It worked; I enjoyed that time even more than I would have. And then that evening we went over to a friend's house and watched "Back to the Future", and the day was complete. :-)Another thing we did that evening was make a welcome home sign. Originally, we'd thought we'd dip Hazel's feet in finger paint and add her footprints to the sign. That turned out to be more work than we wanted to do, however, and we didn't. But after that walk I took we had gone to a great local toy store, Top Ten Toys, to buy supplies to make the sign. It was still absolutely gorgeous out, and I was floating along in my imagined-vacation bliss. Getting Hazel out of the car and into her stroller to go into the store I was carried away on an ocean wave of happiness and deep gratitude. The wave was one of those slow, soft, powerful rollers that you easily jump to let yourself be gently carried by the water up, up, over, and back down to your feet on the sand and a smile on your face. It's not that often that you get to see so clearly the incredible bounty of your life, and both Ted and I are astounded by how lucky we feel. It was so close; I almost didn't get to have this, because I had absolutely no idea how amazing it would be and therefore almost didn't choose it. We were in that store laughing and looking forward to all the fun hours we'll have (and already do have) playing with Hazel. We both have retained a strong appreciation for childhood joys, and we look forward to so much: blowing bubbles, fingerpainting, making candles, doing puzzles, playing games, making up stories, playing with trains, etc. Oh, how I love her!
This evening we were returning from a rehearsal of mine. My friend had brought her new puppy along for Ted to meet, and a bunch of us were standing around enjoying the dogs, baby and evening. Hazel got a bit scared at the loud barks and cried, but we jollied her back into smiles and all was good. That is, until we were driving home, me in the back with Hazel and Ted at the wheel. Hazel started whimpering and then crying, and then sobbing. This went on for the entire 20 minute trip home, and she was looking straight at me the whole time, so sad and confused. She couldn't understand why I wasn't feeding her; I always do when she's hungry if I'm there, and this might have been the first time I just sat there as she cried. Of course, she is way too little to know about cars and carseats and how I can't take her out of her carseat while we're moving. I talked to her, I sang to her, I shhhhhhhhed and patted her, all to no avail. It was awful. Usually I'm driving and Ted's in the back, and if she cries we both shhhhh, and she eventually falls asleep. Not this time. When we got home I got her out of her carseat and held her, and she started to get calmer, and then as soon as we were in the house I got her on my breast. It took a bit, but she was comforted and ate for a while. Once she had fallen asleep we then discovered that she needed to be changed, and in fact, once Ted got her on the changing table, he found her diaper more full than he'd ever seen it. No wonder she'd hated being strapped down into the carseat.
Tonight in bed we talked about it, and realized that we'd gotten into a yank (we *have* to get home) and totally forgotten that we could have pulled over anywhere and either changed her or fed her or both, and we would all have been happier. Lesson: Hazel doesn't generally cry for no reason, and there are almost always more options than are immediately evident, and when stressed it's helpful to take a step back to figure out what those might be. Of course, when stressed, it's easy to forget to do so.... One step at a time. I'm so glad that Ted and I can talk about these things and problem solve together.
Via my i-Tunes library, Joni Mitchell is singing "You don't always know what you've got till it's gone". Well, right now, we do know what we have, and that's our mantra in life, to see what we have when it's here, and to live every moment as presently as we can. We aren't taking any of this for granted. Maybe that's one of the gifts of having a baby at this advanced age.... :-)
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