legitimacy

I have been thinking lately about how sometimes, and unsurprisingly when you stop to think about it for a minute, I've had this nebulous feeling of illegitimacy, unimportance, reduction in stature somehow.

Why is it unsurprising? Well, I've been fairly career-focused for a few decades now, and was reasonably supporting myself for quite a while before I met my husband. And until we moved into our current house, I never lived anywhere I couldn't pay for myself or with roommates. So, I was in a situation in which what I made was sufficient to pay all my bills, and even if I didn't always make the best financial decisions, still, I was in many senses a self-supporting unit. I didn't feel confident about it, struggled with feelings of insecurity, inadequacy, and guilt among others, due to large bills, a tendency to spend when I shouldn't, and self-judgement. However, I also felt pride in my eventual success in pulling myself out of the hole I'd gotten into, becoming self-supporting, and running my own business. And in this society, legitimacy is conferred, mainly, by monetary success.

Then I met my husband. We got fairly quickly into a serious relationship, bought a house, got married, and then had a baby. Now I'm in a house I actually couldn't afford on my own, even with tenants (the NW real estate market being what it is), and my income will always (most likely) be a small fraction of his. I would certainly struggle to keep afloat if it were just me and my daughter.

Interestingly, I think that were I married to a fellow income-challenged artist, I would not feel the same way, because I wouldn't be making the comparisons I do between my income and that of my husband. So, it would seem that I feel inadequate only in comparison to someone else, that my legitimacy as an income-producing member of society is to be judged along a financial heirarchy.

Now, there are all sorts of reasons separate from money why my job has importance, relevance, and matters to more people than just me. I am a teacher, and can see that I bring positives to other people's lives. I have the reward of ongoing rich relationships with my students. I get to see them develop over a period of years. I learn from them and they learn from me, and I am glad to be able to do what I do for a living.

Now, however, I am home much more than I used to be, and when I am home my days are very different than they used to be. It's hard to get much done in between feeding, changing, playing with, and caring for my daughter. Sometimes it's hard at the end of the day even to remember what happened that day, because sometimes the days take on a certain sameness. I do dishes, I pump milk, I feed the baby, I eat, I usually get out for a walk, I feed the baby, I answer a bit of email (on which I'm behind), I eat, I feed the baby....etc. In a world in which production and external success count for so much, there are mere crumbs in my tally which would count for anything at all in the definition of some.

So, what is legitimacy? Is it internally derived, or externally conferred? On the first gut-check, it would seem obvious that there has to be some degree of externality to it: otherwise, a person could declare anything a legitimate way to spend time. It's easy to think of examples worthy of scorn, pity, or just a confused scratch on the head....the guy who spends all his time in his parents' basement doing nothing but eating pizza and playing online games, for example, or the woman who, ... but I cringe; the rest of my brain is already castigating me: who am I to judge the value or worth of other people's time, their lives? Really, I can't. I can have feelings about it, or even opinions, but I cannot know the realities of the interior of someone's mind and heart. I do not want to place myself in superior position and say that someone's life is not, in essence, worth living. That's a spiritual weight I'd rather forego.

So, let's check the dictionary for some help.
From Merriam/Webster, online:
Main Entry: le·git·i·ma·cy
Pronunciation: \li-ˈji-tə-mə-sē\
Function: noun
Date: 1691
Def: : the quality or state of being legitimate.

Well, ok. hmmm. Let's go see what they say about "legitimate".

Main Entry: le·git·i·mate
Pronunciation: \li-ˈji-tə-mət\
Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle English legitimat, from Medieval Latin legitimatus, past participle of legitimare to legitimate, from Latin legitimus legitimate, from leg-, lex law
Date: 15th century
Definitions:
1 a: lawfully begotten ; specifically : born in wedlock b: having full filial rights and obligations by birth
2: being exactly as purposed : neither spurious nor false
3 a: accordant with law or with established legal forms and requirements b: ruling by or based on the strict principle of hereditary right
4: conforming to recognized principles or accepted rules and standards
5: relating to plays acted by professional actors but not including revues, burlesque, or some forms of musical comedy

Alright. Number 1 doesn't apply here. So strike issues of, well, legitimate issue. :-)

Number 2 seems more applicable: I am what I say I am, a teacher. But I am teaching less, devoting more time and energy to mothering my baby, and to domestic chores. So, my connection to that sense of professional identity, while there, is less clear and strong than it used to be. Ok, in order to be legitimate, do I have to be who I say I am? Is it identity?

Number 3 also doesn't seem to apply here, except that my legitimacy as a teacher has something (maybe everything, but certainly a lot) to do with how my students view and experience me. After all, if they learned nothing from me I couldn't be viewed as legitimately teaching. I'd just be wasting oxygyn.

Number 4 is interesting. Accepted standards? Accepted rules? Of society? Well, so often that it's still the norm for significant chunks of society, the woman in a heterosexual partnership winds up in a position similar to mine upon the advent of children. So yeah, this is usual, accepted, and, by many, expected. So, given that externally no one would question my legitimacy as a mother/domestic worker (snark), why would I feel any oddness here? It appears to have to do with my own feelings of legitimacy, based in my background and upbringing, life experience, and values. So, a mixture of the external and internal. The rules by which I live are not mainstream, and that has everything to do with by whom and where I was brought up, as well, I think, as my own inherent personality and desires. I never really thought I'd have children, and when I thought about it, I didn't imagine that I'd be spending the sheer quantity of time that I am now in a non-professional setting. So, I've in some sense gone against my own set of "rules" or expectations.

Number 5, again, doesn't really apply except in the sense that we're all actors on the stage of life... (hee hee)

This definition is all externally-driven. It says nothing about identity, or self-defined reality. What I come back to in the end, then, is that I think that legitimacy does have an external component, but that ultimately the most important thing by far is whether I think that what I'm doing conforms with my values. So, does it?

Yes: I value living with courage, integrity, truthfulness, and love. Bringing up a child with love is something I consider to be deeply important and valuable. Ultimately, I have to be careful not to mix together two things which, though related in some way are separate issues: 1) my sense of identity, and 2) the legitimacy of my actions as they relate to my values. My sense of identity has been intertwined for a long time with my professional identity and life. I am seeing now that I need to expand and flex that identity. I know that I will, and am confident that I'll be able to absorb all the newness which has come my way. My lifelong commitment is to align my actions with my values, and I know also that, though there will be plenty of mistakes along the way, I'll do that too, because it is of extreme importance to me.

This does not mean that I'll kick up my heels and lightly brush away any care of what anyone else thinks of me; I am not at this point tempermentally able to do that. However, this whole thought process is a reminder to me that what matters to me the most is my own internal compass, and following my truth is the way for me to adhere to my sense of legitimacy.

That, and the knowledge that every dawn is a new day, and if I feel compelled to start a new career sometime down the road, well, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Wedding gigs, traveling with the baby

So, I had a wedding gig that involved 1.5 hours of travel each way. When I accepted this gig I was pregnant, and so, obviously, didn't have the baby yet and didn't get how much that would impact our daily routine and things like work, and gigging, etc. Once I started to think about the gig in light of our new addition, plans changed. We decided that 3 hours travel in the car in one day was just too much, and so we took the opportunity to make it a weekend away.

Bottom line: it was fun, and I'm glad we went.

BUT.......... there were challenges.

Transcription on the fly:

In the group with which I accepted the gig, we use repertoire in which my part is often in treble clef, up quite high. In order to make it work on the cello, I'm usually dropping down an octave or sometimes two as I read the music. When I do this, it puts the actual note that I'm playing one note away from how the note would read if it were in tenor clef, as would be likely if the part were written for cello. That is insanely confusing to deal with on the spot. For those of you who don't read music or who have no idea what I'm talking about imagine the following: you're reading off a series of numbers for an audience, and as you do so, someone is shouting numbers in your ear that are one different from those on the page. Try it, just try it, I dare you! :-) Anyway, not wanting to screw up royally at a gig, I decided to write out some of the music in the proper register and clef. A good idea, but this takes a LONG TIME. And since I now have a child whom I'm feeding a good chunk of the day, I just don't have the time I used to for getting tasks like that done. So, Saturday was spent frantically trying to get all that transcription done, at the B&B, at the restaurant for lunch, etc. And why was I doing this instead of using Finale, the program designed to make all that work easier and faster? Because I am feeling intimidated by the software and haven't touched it though it's been loaded on my machine for over a year. *blush*

The Preciousness of Modern American Weddings:

Well, what can I say? Ted and I are not traditionalists. We had a friend MC, but married ourselves to each other without someone saying we could (at our wedding - obviously, we had a judge say we could a few months earlier at court). We had ourselves as well as our wonderful friends and family contribute time and energy and creativity and love to make the space happen, make the music, speak the words of the ceremony, and even clean up afterwards. (To any of you who might be reading this, thank you again, from the bottom of my heart!! We absolutely loved our community-produced wedding!)

In my experience, that was quite unusual. Having played many wedding gigs, (and I am now down to playing very few because they're usually more hassle than they're worth, imo) they often seem formulaic to me, despite varying trappings and settings. This is not to diss the feelings of all involved; I know how moving they are for people who are there to get married and their friends and family. From the point of view of a musician playing at the wedding, however, it's a different experience. Bringing my baby, my cello, and myself through a very large space outside, over two quite narrow wooden bridges was just the start of it. Then there was the wind, that kept blowing our music away from and off of our stands, despite clothes pins. And the bugs in our eyes. And the foetid smell of the pond in front of us. And the loudness of the fountain in said pond. And the bright sun and our professional black clothing. And the miscommunications about timing, and the fact that we couldn't see when anyone was starting "down the aisle" (around twisty/turning paths, through trees) which was to be our cue.... whee. Needless to say, my vacation didn't start till Saturday evening some time later. (This is a photo of the place; we were tucked behind the trees to the right, just to the side of one of the ponds).

Sleeping away from home, and My Princess-On-The-Pea self:

I have huge trouble sleeping. It's hard enough at home, but worse on vacation, where I often lie for hours on hard mattresses, tossing and turning. I really sleep best alone, but a king size mattress works pretty well. Ted has a sleeping talent the equal of which I have never seen, but does a lot better with more space too. At the B&B we had a queen bed, we had a baby, and the first night I got about an hour of sleep. The second night we slept separately, and then, yippee skippy, I slept. We have learned our lesson; as much as we don't want to be pampered little princesses, when we go away we have to get a room with a king bed. Otherwise, we're sleep-deprived, snappy, and not having that much fun. We don't want to wreck Hazel's childhood vacations that way, so we'll just have to celebrate our inner princesses and go with it.

On the Plus Side:

We happened into fun street fair in Langley. We drove over Deception Pass Bridge at sunset twice, and it is so incredibly beautiful! We got sunshine one day, and then a nice cool day to wander and meander through the fair the next. We had time together, wonderful meals, fun with the baby, who smiles all the time. We each love watching the other with the baby. We are giddy with love and cuteness, and enjoying that in each other. It's good.

2nd Anniversary, Hazel's accomplishments, cleaning house

So, yesterday was our second anniversary. We've now been married for 2.5 years. No, I'm not having problems with addition: we got married in a courthouse in December and then had a wedding July 1. We spent much of the day (until about 5 pm) cleaning. Whoo hoo!!

How romantic, you might say, ironically. Well, actually, it was a wonderful day. We busted our butts in a companionably partnership-oriented way, Hazel was contented and self-entertaining for much of the day (more on that later), and now we have a house in which it is a pleasure to lounge around, eat, entertain, etc. The day before we laid flooring in the laundry room. The house looks better than it ever has since we bought it. Being in a space that feels good is incredibly important to mood, I find. Having a freshly mopped floor on a sunny warm day delights the feet, nose, and eyes. :-)

Hazel turned over all by herself! I put her in her car seat at one point yesterday, and when we came back to check on her, she was on her tummy!! Wow!! Go Hazel!! It was exciting to see. She's also making all sorts of cute new vocalizations, and moving her tongue to change the tone and register of her sounds. She's so much more talkative, and it's so fun to hear, and to "talk" with her.

After cleaning house we went over to Andy's for wonderful tea and pizza for snack (breaking the cardinal rules of not eating while having good tea - ruins the palate, don't you know?!) which restored our tissues, as they say. And then we all went to the pool. It was Hazel's third time, and she had a really good time, smiling in a big way at all three of us. We floated her, let her get water on her face, played with her in the pool fountains, and really enjoyed ourselves.

Ted, having grown up going to NY community pools, had not been enthused about the pool trip, but loved it once we got there. It's hard to describe how good the Mountlake Terrace pool is, but it's wonderful; soft, textured bottom, warm water temperature so there's no shock in going in, fun water features, and very kid-friendly. We even bring the stroller all the way through into the pool area so we can change the baby if necessary, or I can feed her, etc.

Then we stopped by to pick up Indian cuisine for din-din, and had a good meal and conversation back at our clean and appealing house. :-) We lit our wedding candle. It has three wicks, and Andy stood in for Hazel in lighting the third wick, since she can't do it yet. Give her time; she's only 4 months old...

Then Ted swaddled her for sleep, I gave Andy a ride home, and after I got back we had a nice conversation before snoozing the night away.

What a great day!